Its been twelve years ago this coming February 15,2026, that my sweet son, Ryan James, went home to be with Jesus.
The day God called Ryan home he stepped into bliss. He had been sick for many years. Diagnosed at 25 with Ulcerative Colitis and eventually contracting MRSA he was struggling hard! Faced with living the rest of his life with a colostomy bag, he was in so much pain both physically and emotionally. He was on tons of medication, most prescribed by a pain management doctor that was not better than a street drug dealer. His illness took its toll and what I did not know is that he had began to drink heavy. The night he went home his alcohol level was a 0.38. Toxic! He had more alcohol than blood in his poor body. On top of that he had 11 other substances in his body. Most were prescribe by his legal drug dealer, some were offered by friends. When he lay down on his side that night, one by one his organs began to shut down until finally his sweet heart stopped beating. My son died the way most of us hope to. He went to sleep and didn't wake up.
They day Ryan left this world for the next, I did, what moms do, I took on all the earthly pain that goes along with having to give a child back. My son was set free. My journey into grief began.
The last day I spoke with Ryan was February 13, 2014. He had just had another trip to the hospital. He had been in and out of the hospital for several years and I could see with each trip he was not bouncing back. I was so scared!
But that night his spirits were good. He had spoken with an ER doctor that had told him if he took his medications and watched his diet, he could go into remission. He sounded up-beat and hopeful. Less than 48 hours later, my boy was gone.
The reason I have so many details about the levels of drugs and alcohol, is because I had the misfortune of reading both my sons autopsy report and toxicology report. No mother should ever have to read such painful reports. They are very clinical. I was warned by other moms who had gone before me, how hard they are to read. I had asked the medical examiner who was a kind man, to please call me and let me know that he had emailed me the reports. I wanted to try to be prepared.
The medical examiner offered to speak with me and answer any questions I may have. Being a layman there was so much I did not understand. I read through it first, alone. The toxicology report was not too difficult to understand my son was loaded down with pills and alcohol. But reading through his autopsy report caused me pause. The MRSA had worked its way into Ryan's lungs. and he had serious scar tissue. It hurt to breathe and as thing progressed he had to give up one of his passions, playing basket ball. His lungs felt like they were on fire and it was hard for him to breath without horrible pain. In addition just two days before he passed one of his lungs had collapsed.
Yet, while I was reading through his autopsy report something stood out. The autopsy explained the weight, size and condition of all of his organs. When I got to the part about his lungs there was no mention of the scar tissue or a collapsed lung. I was confused.
I reached out the medical examiner for clarification. There must be some mistake.
I explained that Ryan's lungs were damaged and one had collapsed. I recall the medical examiners response, " no mam, his lungs were perfect". "No, I argued they were not, he had scar tissue and a collapsed lung. The medical examiner repeated his comments, "no man, his lungs were perfect". I was in shock. How could this be. Then it occurred to me God had answered my prayers. You see I kept praying for God to heal my boy and he did, just not the way I wanted him to. When Ryan died I felt God had forsaken me with unanswered prayers, but that was not so. My prayers were in fact answered. 1. Corinthians 15, tells us our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. In heaven we will receive new, transformed, and glorified, bodies My son was healed, whole and he was home!
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